Phubbing, or phone snubbing, is relationship napalm. Here's how to stop it once and for all.
There’s nothing worse than trying to have a conversation with someone and only getting half their attention as they check their phone. choosing that little glass box over you. It’s called phubbing, and it’s not just rude, it signals that whatever is happening on the phone is more important and worthy of attention than the person in front of them. When phubbing happens regularly between two people in a relationship, arguments ensue. In the long run, cell phone addiction can do real damage to a marriage or relationship. Because phubbing is about more than just being addicted to Twitter or checking work emails. It’s about denying your partner time and attention in favor of connecting with your screen.
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What Is Phubbing?
Phones — and the social media and games and apps they contain — are basically dopamine slot machines, designed to keep people scrolling, liking, commenting, and email-checking. The major thing they distract from? Real human relationships. In fact, the stranglehold that cell phones have on relationships has become so great it’s even been given its own name: “phubbing.” A portmanteau of “phone” and “snubbing,” the term, while wholly strange to see written down and reminiscent of the not-so-distant act of “porn hubbing,” is fairly self-explanatory and illustrates the nature of the cell phone addiction pretty well. After all, a snub is a rude and dismissive gesture, and the fact that couples are using the term to describe their partner’s choice of their device over quality time says a lot.
Smartphone addiction: Psychologists liken phones to slot machines. Psychologists liken cell phones to slot machines. UT Health McGovern Medical School Addiction researcher Dr.
While the term seems cutesy, phubbing is basically relationship napalm. One recent study found that the behavior actually facilitates relationship dissatisfaction on an almost subconscious level by creating emotional distance between romantic partners.
But let’s be honest: Every person has those moments — or 10 — when Instagram or Facebook or Reddit or That One Booger-Picking Video You Have to See has won out over their significant other in the battle for their attention. So, when does that phubbing battle become about something more than phone usage?
How Phubbing Can Ruin a Relationship
Texas-based marriage and family therapist Jim Seibold, Ph.D., says that one trigger can be when device usage goes from intermittent to consistent and begins to cut in on family time. He says that this can be a particular problem when one partner places a high value on spending quality time with the other. “When someone’s primary love language is quality time,” he says, “they will feel rejected and abandoned when their partner is spending too much time on their phone.”
Lori Whatley, a licensed marriage and family therapist working out of Atlanta, also says that the argument can stem from a partner feeling undervalued in comparison to a device. “Once upon a time, partners had to contend with other love interests but now they must contend with the device, which can be much more intrusive due to its portability,” she says. “Competing with an electronic device is not easy. The addictive powers make it impossible at times.”
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In addition to the constant use of the phone, trouble can also start when device usage becomes secretive. This can happen when one person’s phone is locked and the password not shared or if one partner quickly puts the phone away when the other enters the room. If this is happening regularly, says Seibold, it’s cause for concern. “Affairs don’t have to be physical in nature,” he says. “I have worked with many couples in which an affair took place entirely by phone or text.”
What Is the Short-Term Solution for a Phubbing Argument?
A text-based affair represents a worst-case scenario. But the fact remains that even innocent phubbing can, when left unchecked, create a major rift in a relationship. So what can couples do to not only silence the disagreement but also begin to break the device habits that are driving a wedge between them? Simply saying, “Put your phone away, I’m talking to you!” isn’t enough. In fact, it might have the opposite effect in creating resentment.
Seibold suggests approaching the problem using solution-based language. Saying something like, “Let’s not have phones at the table during dinner,” instead of an accusation such as, “The phone is more important than I am!” can pave the way to a more positive outcome.
If your spouse is commenting about the time you are spending on the phone, listen. “Validate their perspective and ask how you can be more mindful,” says Seibold. “Don’t be quick to dismiss their words as complaining or controlling.” Whatley says that even the simple act of just putting the phone away during an agreed-upon time can speak volumes to your spouse. “This shows that you are in control of your phubbing and it is manageable,” she says. “It tells your partner you are there for them to engage wholeheartedly, with no phone interruptions.”
What Is the Long-Term Solution for Fixing Phubbing?
Putting the phones down for a night is great, but the allure of social media can only be kept at bay for so long. Couples need to devise long-term fixes to the phubbing issue in order to rid themselves of it once and for all. Both Whatley and Seibold agree that having things like “device-free days” and even “no-phone zones” in the house can be good solutions, but the reality is that sometimes phones are necessary. One person might be waiting for an important message and need to keep their phone nearby. That’s fine, says Seibold, but just make sure that it’s communicated ahead of time. “Be clear this is an exception not a new normal,” he says. “Also identify the difference between crucial and important. Do you really have to check your phone as soon as it alerts you? Can it wait for a few minutes until you finish dinner or a few hours until after your date night?”
If couples are really serious about breaking the phubbing cycle, then they might want to consider taking some time to wean themselves off their devices and using them only when absolutely necessary. Seibold notes that he’s seen moods, feelings of security, and the overall connection between couples improve when they step away from their devices for a time. As such, he suggests taking a break from social media just for a week and see what happens. “We often don’t realize the amount of time and emotional energy we spend on these apps. It can be quite telling,” he says. “If you become irritable and anxious initially, it is probably a good sign that you are becoming too dependent on your device. If that is the case, identify some long-term boundaries for how you spend device time. Use that time to be purposeful about actively engaging with your partner.”
Nir's Note: This guest post by Avi Itzkovitch offers some clues as to why we can't seem to put our cell phones down. Avi (@xgmedia) is an Independent User Experience Consultant. He is currently working from his Tel-Aviv Studio XG Media.
Do you constantly check your smartphone to see if you’ve received messages or notifications on Facebook? Does your phone distract you from your studies or work? Do your friends, parents, children, or spouse complain that you are not giving them enough attention because of your phone? You may be addicted to your phone.
Cell Phone Addiction Like Slot Machine Games
The smartphone has become a constant companion. We carry it throughout the day and keep it by our bedside at night. We allow ourselves to be interrupted with messages from social media, emails and texts. We answer phone calls at times when it is not socially acceptable, and we put our immediate interactions with friends and family on hold when we hear that ring tone that tells us a message is arrived. Something fundamental in human behavior has changed: our sense of phone etiquette and propriety has caused us to get out of whack in our interactions with one another.
So why is it that we allow ourselves to be interrupted? Why do we feel it necessary to answer these calls? Maybe the addiction started long before cell phones even existed, with the advent of the phone itself. Albrecht Schmidt speculates in the Interaction Design Foundation Encyclopedia:
This behaviour is perhaps rooted in the old model of synchronous telecommunication where phone calls were expensive and important – which is less true nowadays. Also, before the advent of caller-id, you could not simply return the phone call as you would not know who had called you unless you actually answered the call. Although technology has changed a lot, some of our behaviours around new technologies are still rooted in an understanding of older technology.
Long before cell phones existed, we began to assign importance to every interaction on our phones because if we didn’t act in the moment, we’d miss the opportunity. With smartphones, however, a host of features make the addictive nature of the phone even worse.
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Schmidt may have a point, but I believe it goes further. Many smartphone users have never experienced the older technology and so, for these users, there are no such roots to old technology. The truth is that we have become so addicted to our phones that we feel compelled to allow these interruptions, even to the point where we no longer even consider them interruptions. Just like an addiction to gambling and the alluring sounds of slot machines, we addictively react to the sounds our smartphone makes. Some have postulated that the theory of variable rewards could explain what makes us addicted to the digital world of Facebook, Twitter and the ringtone from a smartphone.
Nir Eyal has written about this technology addiction on this very blog, with specific attention to the nature of variable rewards. He describes a study by B.F. Skinner in the 1950s that demonstrated the theory of the variable schedule of rewards. Skinner observed that lab mice responded most voraciously to random rewards. When mice pressed a lever, they sometimes got a small treat, other times a large treat, and other times nothing at all. Unlike other mice that received the same treat every time they pressed the lever, the mice that received variable rewards pressed the lever more often and compulsively.
Similar to how mice behave when expecting to receive treats, we eagerly check our phones at the slightest ring or buzz, because the dopamine trigger in our brains compels us to answer. The everyday mundane phone messages that we receive frequently throughout the day are akin to the mice’s small treats. The big treats are the messages that give us pleasure -- a message from a friend, a phone call from a loved one, or that funny video we must see. It’s the big treat that is addictive to us and, since we don't know when that big treat is coming, we “press the lever” compulsively and as often as the ringtone calls us. We are compelled to look at the screen and answer, regardless of where we are and who we are with.
Of course this mobile device addiction goes further. There is a clear human need for self-expression - and especially self-expression that prompts feedback from others (Signs of Facebook Addiction). Our need to immediately share sometimes causes us to forget to enjoy and embrace the moment. This point is illustrated clearly in the YouTube video 'I forgot my iPhone,' an exaggerated but accurate reflection of our social behavior. As social animals, we need human contact for emotional and psychological health. Our mobile devices have enhanced our ability to have that contact. They have become a tool important for social interaction.
There are many causes and effects of this mobile device addiction, which is also an issue with our computers and other communication devices. However, if we learn to manage this mobile device addiction, we can increase our productivity and free up time during the week. It is not only the wasted time that results when we allow ourselves to be interrupted, when staring at the screen, when replying to emails or answering the phone. We also lose valuable time recovering from these interruptions after our attention has been diverted.
This has become recognized as enough of a problem today that we are starting to see some technological solutions being developed, including research on context aware management of interruptions or guidelines for the workplace that could increase productivity. For example, a Loughborough University study recommends a set of guidelines for email usage that will increase employee workplace efficiency by reducing interruptions, restricting the use of email-to-all messages and reply-to-all responses, setting the email application to display just the first three lines, and checking for email less frequently.
Freeing ourselves from this mobile device addiction will not be easy for many, but there are some technological solutions worth exploring. An android app called 'Human Mode' allows the user to disconnect from his mobile phone and become human. It allows the user to place phone calls and messages on hold until a time that’s more convenient. Jake Knapp’s article in Lifehacker, 'How I Turned My iPhone Into A Simple, Distraction-Free Device,' describes how a one-week experiment to disconnect from distraction has now become his lifestyle. He makes the point that sometimes we must take serious action to resolve our addictions. But it has always been true that the first step in overcoming any addiction is to admit that it exists. If we identify how the variable rewards of our smartphones are affecting us, we can implement appropriate solutions and break the mobile device addiction.
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Note: This guest essay was written by Avi Itzkovitch.
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Photo Credit: Ron Bennetts